Artur Boruc Knows the Score: Is 3-2.

Did any of you see last week the Hard Firm match between Glasgow Celtics and Glasgow Rangers? Wasn’t it rubbish? The football was shite and there was no atmosphere. However, there was an especial significance to the match which only those in the know will have appreciated, which was when the Celtic goalkeeper, Artur Boruc, who is a Holy Roman Catholic, remove his goalkeeping shirt and pass on a message to select members of the crowd concealed among the Celtics supporters, from the true pope, John Paul #2. This was an inspiring and uplifting moment for all of us in the movement.

The ordinary pig-ignorant Celtics fan was saying to himself, “Ah, isn’t that just adorable. Boruc is still keeping alive the memory of the old pope. Is a terrible shame that his goal keeping is not as good as his memory keeping.” What they are not aware of is that Boruc is not just a conduit for opposition goals but also a conduit for messages from the Underground, that pious, devoted and enlightened (a much-abused term!) elite of Holy Roman Catholics who have not been fooled by the pageantry and mock traditionalism that accompanied the apparent accession to the throne of Saint Peter by the Usurper Bendedict. The Friends of the Real Pope/Les Amis du Vrai Pape/Los Amigos del Papa Verdadero will endeavour with every last sinew in their bodies and every last bone in their ossuaries to get the message out to the world that the True Pope John Paul #2 is being held captive in the dungeons of Castel Gandolfo (irony of ironies! for this is where the popes of old kept their prisoners for recreational torture during their summer breaks), replaced by a fake pope who pretend to be conservative, traditional, fascist-background-type pope but who is really a communist stooge bringing the One True Church into disrepute with its laughable doctrines about abortion, fish paste, and shoes.

I am not at liberty, of course, to identify our members, but suffice to say that there are very many high-profile dignitaries and celebrities who play an important part in ensuring the Flame of Truth is kept burning and the Salmon of Knowledge is nicely cooked. Here, I must be not just the Salmon of Knowledge but also the Sole of Discretion (a good friend of the Plaice of Our Dreams). Is no surprise, however, if I tell you that, in addition to the bumbling Celtics kepper, there is also a member of U2 who belong to the Underground, although it is not the one you think it is, i.e. the one who thinks he is the real pope!

In addition, there is Kevin Rowlands, Paul Weller, Ricky Martin, Anthea Turner, Ian Hislop, Geri Halliwell, the Dalai Lama, Bryan Adams, Strom Thurmond, Ricky Gervais, the other one, Giorgio Armani, Eric Thwaite, Remington Steele, Cathy Bates, Roy Winstone, Jeremy Bates, Richard Dawkins, Jimmy Breville, Esther Freud, Cass R. Sunstein, Podge (but not Rodge), Rush Limbaugh, Giovanni Trappatoni, John O’Gormley, Anne Diamond, Cheryl Baker, Mark Cagney, Marshall Blonsky, Kurt Rove, Paul Wolfowitz, Derek Krugman, Muriel Spark, Colin Thirkettle, Missy Elliott, Scazz, J. R. Rowling, Takeshi “Beat” Kitano, and me.

And that is all.