Eat This, Mister Federal!

Did you watch all of the Wimberdon final on Sunday? No, neither did I, but wasn’t it absolutely riveting?! I could not take my eyes off all the backhanders, forehanders, serveces, volleys, drop shots and blobs. Was really great entertaining.

And in the end of course we had the best winner, as you see in the photo above, Señor Raphael Nadal, of España!! Si, was an espanish man win on the stupid grass pitch! Was really incredible. Especially since he was playing the five-time reigning champiot, Clyde Federal, of Sweden (known in tennis circles as the Cyborg, because of his resemblance to the other Swede, Bjorn Ulvaeus of Abba). Is an impressive feat for a humble espanish man who spend all his life playing on mud courts to come to lovely pissing England with all its green, and to make them all look like wankers. Where is your ugly Andy Murray now, Margaret Thatcher?! He took one hell of a beasting!

We should not get carry away, of course, by this ritual humiliation of the foreigners. For one thing, even though Nadal is espanish, we should not forget that he is also a Catalan, and therefore perhaps not the most appropriate person to be representing our country abroad. Was pointed out to me that Nadal is a fan of Real Madrid Best Team in the World, which suggest to me that he is doing his poor best to intergrate into proper society, but I am sure you will agree with me that it was holy inappropriate for him at the end of the match to make advances up to the royal box and to kiss Prince Felipe and goose Princess Letizia with his racket. Not only that, but also he made the major faux pas of going first of all up to the section where his parents and his coach was sitting. Imagine snubbing the royal family like that! Only a Majorcan country pumpkin could be lacking in such basic proctoscope.

Another cause for concern is that Nadal has chosen lawn tennis as the medium through which he will represent our nation to the world. As you know, tennis is a sport notorious for its homosexuality. If you are not a homosexual when you start playing the game (and let’s be honest, most of them are), you will certainly be homosexual by the time you finish it. Madrid itself is full of rampant lady lesbians who like nothing better than to get their hands on a nice long firm shaft and a couple of hairy balls and spend an hour or two stroking them around the place until they have given their partner a good licking. I know. I have seen them!

You just have to look at Nadal’s lithe physicque and shiny long hair to realize it is only a matter of time before he become a big gay icon. All the gayers are well known for their love of muscles, and even though Nadal is not the prettiest of men, I have read already on respectable American tennis sites that many homosexuals in America are fantasizing about him being their Latino poolboy, serving cocktails to them in a short towel and rubbing suntan oil all over their anuses. Is that any way for Spain to be depicted abroad?! I think you know the answer. It is Not!

Fortunately, I am happy to say, this summer we still have also the golf, the Formula One, the Tour de France, and the bullfighting, all of which will be won this year by espanish men. And then will come the Olympics, which Spain always win. I will especially be watching the ladies gymnastics this year, and also the beach volleyball. I have a special TV room set up. Will take my mind off the tennis entirely.