One of my wonderful, pious, intrepid apparition spotters in America alert me to the news that Our Lady was recently making an appearance in Salinas, California, at the Old Town Bar & Grill restaurant. Our Lady was not a customer, however. No. She was spotted by a plumber in a floor drain! What could she have been she doing down there, I wonder? Has she taken up a post with the Health and Safety Department and inspecting sewage? Was she flushed down the drain herself by accident, after appearing to Catholic schoolgirls in the toilet cubicles? Or had she meant to make an appearance inside a cumcuber or pomegranate like Allah is always doing, but nobody spotted her and she waited down the drain instead so that she could be discovered by the pious plumber (whose name is not given but who I am certain is Hispanic)?

You know, in Germany, famous for it heretical sects, such as Protestantism and David Hasselhoff, the restaurants and churches have specially designed toilets which have a shelf on them so that after they have taken a shit, Germans can inspect their stools for any sign of Our Lady or a message from on high. Of course, they have never even once been privileged to receive such a sign, because they are all hell-bound schismatics. No matter how much they poke and dice their stools, they never even see so much as a hint of Our Lady’s presence, only carrots, tomatoes, bits of pepper skin, poorly digested German sausage and so on. By contrast, I am reliably informed that whenever Saint Bernadette went for a dump, the entire convent was immediately filled with the scent of roses. And it wasn’t just Glade, either. And when they inspect her stools, there was always blood in them, which could only have belonged to Our Lord himself or else was one of those rarely recorded esamples of stigmata of the arsehole.

Our Lady’s appearance in California, which is becoming an increasingly Catholic country, can only be a sign of her blessing on this development. She make an appearance in the drain because she know that the most likely person to discover her was the lowly but devout Catholic Hispanic plumb worker. I espect that we will soon see many more similar such appearances of Our Lady in places frequented by California’s Hispanic Catholic population, such as car repair shops, where she will no doubt appear in a puddle of engine oil; Fast food restaurants, where she will appear in grease stains; inside wealthy WASP houses, where maids will discover her on the inside of the oven door or in stains on the bedsheets; and at Morrissey concerts, where she will be spotted in hair gel or in tattoos. Is all a positive and encouraging event, because the more the United States become a Holy Roman Catholic country, the less people there will be influenced by infernal forces of darkness such as science, reading, Hollywood, jazz music, hop-hip, Cretina Aguilspeara, Brittany Spearmint, dwarves, filthy Jews, euthanasia, Anal Gesics, and so on.

And finally, perhaps, the philistine know-everything America will at last come to appreciate the pure, holy, beautiful, sacred home to all that is best and perfect and most wonderful on this planet. Yes, that is right. I am talk about Real Madrid.

It will happen one day, I am sure. As you can see from the picture above, even Our Lady wears our colours!