The Other Civil War for Golf

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Is Very Beautiful. And Not a Peasant to be Seen Anywhere

Everyboth of my readers is knowing by now that the main reason for fighting the Civil War in Spain was being to save Christian civilization for golf. Have a trip along the south coast of my fine country (if we let you in) and you will see that where once there was marauding non-golf-playing Muslamics there is now verdant vistas of something else that begin with v. Say what you like about the Russian gangster oligarchy and their stripping their nation’s wealth to set up in the lap of luxury, at least they have their priorities right and understand the importance of landscaping. And now, I am happy and also intrigue to see, another country which have fought a civil war is also reaping the happy benefits.

You must understand that I am not normally read Sports Illustrated magazine. However, I am for one reason and another up by the airport the other day, and because I have to do some shopping, I am pop into Deiland into Playa Honda and see that it have all manner of foreign papers and magazines, I espect for the espatriates on the run from injustice. I know already that it stock Sports Illustrated because I make here one visit a year to get the 3-D Swimsuit Edition with the special glasses. Is all in colour and everything. Is like watching the beach volleyball from my terrace with magic binoculars!

So from force of habit I pick up the latest issue and put it in my shopping basket, alongside with my mint sauce, lubricants, bikini wax, Gloria Estefan CD, and box of colouring crayons: Deiland truly have everything! And then, while I am idling at the traffic lights, waiting half hour for them to change, with Gloria wassailing in the background, I flick through my magazine and I see a facsinating article all about the Ho Chi Ming Golf Trail in the former U.S. colony of Vietnam. The article tell how a former marine name Ron go back to Vietnam to play the same places he previously bomb and pillage (I espect the magazine was secretly hope also that he probly meet up with the same prostitutes from all those years ago and maybe even meet some new family).

The interesting aspects of the story, of course, from a human interest angle, is how the golf courses owe so much of their beauty to the war. As you can see from the picture above, the bomb craters is now gently undulating sandtraps. The roughage is fertile verge because of the calcium in the soil thanks to all the bodies that has been buried underneath. And of course, the glorious broad fairways are pristine and tree-free thanks to the Americans’ deployment of the chemical depillatory known as Agent Orange, which not only remove the hairs from your legs but also the trees from the land, the skin off your back, the scabs off your knees, the cheese off your plate, and so on. Be careful with using it on your moustache or your anus, ladies!

The Ho Chi Ming Golf Trail is made up of seven courses, all aimed at Americans. As you know, the Vietnamese are very good at aiming things at Americans. But whereas once upon a time they want to drive the Americans out the country, now they want Americans to drive their balls around the country. There is another 60 golf courses being built in Vietnam to lure back the vets, which I assume means the Vietnamese have none of their own. In my esperience, vets tend to be the least aggressive of the medical professions, which is probly why they lost the war.

Not all the Viets are happy about the vets, though. The article is saying that the Vietnam people have a love-hate relationship with Americans. This is pretty much like Europeans have with Italians, I espect: We love their culture but hate their people. Nonetheless, the Vietnamese recognize the necessity of reconciliation with the old enemy if everyone is to move on and the Americans’ pockets are to be emptied. This is a lesson the Basques and the Welsh could usefully learn from. Is no point living in dignified poverty when you can fake forgiveness and fleece the wealthy winners. But I espect that is one reason why they lost in the first place. They did not have the cunning wiles that the Vietcong was in possession of. Nor the splendid geography or climate, either. Is a lesson for us all there, though I have not yet decide what it is. Something to do with Our Lady, I espect.

Which remind me of a nice joke I remember: Why do golfers prefer to go to church on Sunday morning instead of having sex? Is because they get five holes with the son of God!

Is a joke!

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