Do Not Panic: Kill All Orang-utans!!

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Is for stuffing the bird of paradise, but you could be next!

As a devout and pious Christian, I am never cease to be amaze by the wonders of Our Lord’s Creation and what he come up with next. I am think sometimes that when He make the universe all those years ago, long before you or I was being born, that Our Lord must have been on some pretty potent psychotropic drugs that had not yet been invented until he create them! For instance, just look at things like snails, tornadoes, oil paintings, CD cases, repelling pencils, cheese, lawn mowers and smoke. All of them must have been the product of an amazing derange mind with a superb imagination none of which any of us could dream of matching, even in our wildest dreams. Or in our imaginations. Can you imagine having such an imagination? No, you can’t, which prove my point. In my case, for esample, all my dreams is of ladies’ stockings. And nothing else. God’s imagination must be at least thirteen times more powerful than my own humble wet imaginations.

And further proof of God’s general all-round innovative brilliance come today with the news that so-called scientists have discovered a new population of Orang-utans in a remote part of Indonesia called now Borneo (which is an Indonesian word which mean humid. They have hundreds). You will note, of course, that the scientists was only discovering the Orang-utans. They did not invent them. God invents everything. Scientists only ever discover them: Gravity, Outer space, invisible carpets, and so on. Even the combustion engine was not invent, as everybody think (thanks to propaganda of so-called Enlightenment liberal freemasons) but was dug up in one piece in 1882 by three-year-old girl working down a coalmine in Alsace. She died the next day.

Anyway, these are no ordinary Orang-utan, as you can see above, who spend all their day sitting in trees with long lolloping arms and amuse themselves by pulling themselves off and aiming their spunks at monitor lizards on the floor below. Or throwing their poos at lady anthropologists. No! These are much advanced Orang-utans with a superior technology. They all wear clothes, for instance: a suit and tie during the week, and tracksuits or causal suede wear at the weekends. They also have the power of speech, through which they converse with one another about topical issues and also deliberate over technical matters such as the acquisition of food and shelter. The report says also that they have even manage to develop labour-saving machinery, such as cutlery (see picture above), nail files, vacuum cleaners, and a special catapult device that enables them to launch their shit at lady anthropologists 25 miles away. There is much here we can learn.

The problem that is face the Orang-utans most of all, however, is that much of their habitat is being destroyed by destruction. The rainforest is being replaced by palm oil plantations, from which is made the palm oil, used in such important and necessary products of modern life as candles, plastercasts of penises, soaps, olive oil, whales, and the cot. Indonesia and Malaysia are the biggest makers of palm oil in the world, after God, and because other countries nearby, such as Thailand and France, are very inconsiderate, Indonesia and Malaysia have to grow their plantations in their own country, which is drive the Orang-utans bananas!

The real danger for humanity, however, is that as the rainforest disappears, the Orang-utans will be forced to move into the towns and cities and find work there, bringing with them who knows what sorts of diseases and ideas. Is bad enough that they do not believe in holy matrimony. Just wait til they move in next door to you, with their nest in your attics and their old-school Islam, and their bloody muezzin calling them to prayer at all hours of the day and that Gamelan music that drive you round the bend! I tell you, this is just the thin end of the stick. Next thing you know they will be stealing our women and smoking our cigarettes and running our media, like Berlusconi in Italy. I don’t think we should wait to let this happen. Write now to your European representative and insist that all steps are taken to ensure that this newly discovered population is wiped out before any damage can be done and it is all too late for normal thinking people like you and me.

You know it make sense!

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5 Responses

  1. Donagh

    April 15, 2009 3:54 pm

    Speedy, I don’t think it is prejudiced against Orang-utans to say that their long arms make them excellent pick-pockets. We could, of course, wait to see if their character is as impeccable as lady anthropologists regularly tell us they are (usually at length in dour publications such as the Irish Lady Anthropologists Review). Would it not be better to save our rapidly depleting economic fortunes from further deterioration by rubbing out the potential cut purses now? Now that I think of it, this would also save us the additional expense of successful law suits brought against baton wielding bobbys who may be understandably incensed by some potty mouthed light fingered baboon who claims they were making a lawful protest at having their livelihood taken away.

  2. Hugh Green

    April 16, 2009 10:10 am

    I once witnessed a scene in Dublin Zoo between two Orangutans which, by describing them as displaying farmyard morals, would be a disgusting smear on the morals of farmyard animals.

  3. Donagh

    April 16, 2009 12:46 pm

    by describing them as displaying farmyard morals, would be a disgusting smear on the morals of farmyard animals.
    By not describing them you are forcing me to use my imagination and I now feel a little bit sick.