“Lighten up, baby. Don’t be such a fascist!” “Huh! You’re a lily-livered weak-kneed liberal and I want my real pope back.”
Things have come to a pretty pass when the former leader of an industrialized country’s socialist party is further to the right than the supposed head of the Catholic Church. Despite everything that was recently being done and said in the papers about the homosexuals and their objective disorders, such as HIV, narcissism, and disco dancing, Tony Blair has demonstrated by his past actions that he is a genuine principled man of the right, willing to subvert democratic processes in the interests of a jolly good war, happy to remove any and all socialist influences from his party’s constitution and membership, and eager to prostitute himself and put the interests of multinational big businesses ahead of those of the great unwashed, also known as the electorate.
For these many things we must salute him, all the more because he manage to do so while concealing himself underneath the thinnest carapace of “beliefs”; for years, nobody knew WHAT he stood for. Now, after all, we know that he is a Holy Roman Catholic who was fucking the Anglo-Saxon Protestant English up the arse all along! Is all very funny.
And yet, is not so funny. And not just because sodomy is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, whether it is done with Protestants or not, but also because Blair has found himself stuck on a fork. A moral fork. With two prongs. A moral tuning fork. Or perhaps two knives tied together. Anyway, his problem is that, on the one hand, as a Roman Catholic for the last five minutes he now has to exhibit absolute and unwavering obedience to the head of his church, while on the other hand, he know full well that the head of his church is an illegitimate usurper who is only pretend to be advancing a far right agenda when in fact he is a sheep in wolf’s clothing, a dissimulator (and a battery-operated one at that!) who, even if once upon a time he was a good fascist, is now just presenting a facade of a genuine right-wing agenda because he know that this is where the action is if he want to pick up any new members in Africa! Si! This is the truth behind the conspiracy. The Bednedict cabal is selling out our church to the darkies! They have realize that the Western hemsisphere is all secular or evangelical or agnostic or filled with homosexuals and communists, so now they are look further afield to recruit new members. A new struggle is taking place to colonize the Third World, and if it mean we have to pretend to want and welcome inferior races into Our Lord’s church, then the Bednedict cabal is only too willing to open their arms and legs and mouths, saying all the right things that Africans want to hear about homosexuals and women and the like, yet all the time never mention what we think about immigrants. Is a big disgrace!
So what does the clever idiot Tony Blair try to do? Is very clear, I think. He is calling the pope’s bluff by standing up for homosexuals. Everyone in Africa will read what he say, if they can read, that is, and they will say, “Hmm, I am very confused by all this. Up until now, I have always look upon Tony Blair as a decent upstanding extreme right-wing populist betrayer of the masses, the sort of man who really should be advising this pope. But if someone so right-wing is pro-gay, then where does that really put Bednedict on the political scale? He must be a child-love-fornicating bestialist with a sideline in snuff videos! If only the true pope, John Paul #2, was around, he would soon clear this matter up and our chances of joining the world’s one true church would no longer be a matter for discussion because we’d never get in. Pass the Monster Munch.”
I have heard in some quarters from people who should know better, things like, “Tony Blair should keep his trap shut,” and “Obedience is the first virtue of a good Catholic” (which is true, but not to this pope) and “Give me back my baby oil, I haven’t finished with it yet.” All of these comments are out of place and show an incomplete understanding of the real complexities of the issues at stake here, which is why only a select few should be allowed their opinions, namely, the readers of this blog and Mr. Blair, who I think only reads it from time to time when I am discussing pop music and beach volleyball (I know he sends links of my posts to his friend the philanderer Bill Clinton, who look in from time to time). As you can see from this one example, the apparent story in the press is not all it is crack up to be. Is often something very different entirely, if you know how to read it properly. Once upon a time, only the clergy could read, and they would then tell everyone the correct story of what was going on. Is about time, I think, for us to return to those enlightened days, although I say “enlightened” with my lovable ironic Iberian accent. You all know what I mean.