You Can Trust Me, Sir. I’m a Priest.
One of the upsides to all this kerfuffle about sexual abuse and the clergy is that it will lay to rest forever the argument that priests are in no position to offer marital or sexual advice because of their lack of esperience. On the contrary, we now know that priests have been getting much more sex than the rest of the adult population and are therefore probly in a far much better position to offer tips about handjobs, blowjobs, snowjobs, dogging, catting, and hamstering than any of the so-called “experts” in the back pages of Marie-Claire, Cosmoplolitan, and Model Railroader magazine.
I know that if ever I was having sexual problems, such as a disobedient wife or penis, the first person I would go to ask about it would be Father Pedro. Well, after I had spoken to the girl at Samaritans on the phone and pulled myself off; I don’t want to turn up at Father Pedro’s and halfway through our frank and candid discussion about rubberwear develop an unwanted espression of friendliness in my trousers that he might miscontrue.
I am not alone in this belief, it would appear. The news is reporting that “a Polish Catholic priest has published a book which provides married couples with a theological and practical guide to spicing up their sex lives.” Father Kasweary Kuntz is the author of Sex for Catholics: Getting Away with Getting It Up, which presents advice for married Catholic couples on how to spice up their sex lives while remaining faithful to Our Lady. He recommends, for esample, inviting in some Protestants to watch, not because voyeurism is intrinsically arousing but because their presence will provide an incentive to show much better it is to be Catholic (Protestants are not allowed to remove their socks or underwear, for instance, whereas Catholics can engage in all sorts of toe sucking and sole scratching). Another suggestion from Father Kuntz is that the husband make a donation to the church every time his wife suck his balls, which is clever because ladies are traditionally more pious than men and so will want the church to benefit from their actions, but they also know that sex is a filthy disgusting evil activity, especially when men are involved, so they are frequently reluctant, I am told, to lick any part of the male anatomy, with the possible esception of the elbow. Following Father Kuntz’s advice, however, will render prostitution entirely unnecessary ever again.
Some peoples may look askance at a sex book by a priest, but Father Kuntz insists that all of his tips and advice are in keeping with the teachings of the Holy Roman Catholic Church. He discourages the use of contraceptives, for esample, because they lead Catholic couples down a slippery slope, especially if they have used lubrication at the same time. Before they know it, they will not just be using contraceptives but also engaging in all manner of Protestant activities, such as homosexuality, reading the Bible for themselves, and teabagging.
Besides, says Father Kuntz, as many priests will tell you, they never had to use a contraceptive once, and yet their sexual partners NEVER get pregnant. God knows his own and takes care of them. And so does the Catholic Church!