The Sun Have Got His Legs On
There have been great escitement in Holy Pissing Ireland over the past couple of week all because the Sun have been dancing in the sky as was predict by the famous Dublin psychic faith healer and astrologist Claire Voyant, who was telling everyone as long ago as last Tuesday that they must congregate in a pious mob in Knock, where usually Our Lady likes to take her holidays—she likes the peace and quiet—and then stare at the Sun for several hours, and make all their children stare at the Sun also, in order to experience the full magnificent brilliance of God’s glory and to witness an amazing miracle on a scale with past miracles such as the feeding of the hundreds and thousands, the turning loaves into fishes, and the raising of the Titanic.
Inevitably, there was always the scofflelaws who say things like, “If the Sun come out for several hours in Mayo, it will already be a bloody miracle!” and, “Can I get my money back on these Ray-Bans if I go blind?” and also, “Who’s nicked my wallet?” but they had to not just swallow their own words but also to regurgitate them and then eat them with a garnish of bile, vomit, and partially digested humble pie, because not just did the Sun dance all around the sky, doing the waltz, the boogie-woogie, the polska, and the wazz, but also Our Lady made an appearance for the assembled thong dressed out in all her fineries and, apparently, sucking a Strepsil, which means she got out of her sickbed to see everyone. Which only go to show how devoted she is to her fans, like Beyoncé.
This was all a brilliant show, although you had to stare at the Sun for bloody ages before your eyes was get accustomed to its majesty and thus was then able to see Our Lady properly, but it was well worth it, by all accounts, and everyone who was there will not forget the day they was there, or either some other day they were there as well. However, is only now that we have had a chance to appreciate the REAL significance of Our Lady’s appearance, because it was only last week that the False Pope, Benedinct, was make the announcement that he will be allowing the filthy Anglicans into the Catholic Church. Is a big disgrace! And is therefore no wonder that Our Lady felt it so imperative to make her appearance. Swine flu or not. She was warning all the faithful of this latest move by the Antichrist, the False Pope, to corrupt the One True Church by further diluting its purity with his Satanic schemes. It was a Call to Arms by Our Lady, telling us to bestir ourselves, get out of our beds or off our hammocks, or from out under our beds, and take action.
I am, as you know, a devout and pious enemy of science, so the undoubted connection between these two events simply cannot be esplained by coincidence or so-called physical laws. It can only be that God Himself made the Sun dance to forewarn us about the False Pope’s evil deeds. However, in case you think I am simply being a scaremong and that this panic is unwarranted, let me put before the more septical of you a number of germane facts that are incontrovertible. Here are some essential but not widely known
TRUE FACTS ABOUT ANGLICANS:
1: They worship a black pig named Michael.
2: They believe in the Seven Intelligences.
3: They have three sabbaths a week: Friday, Sunday, and My Lucky Bun Day.
4: If they try to make the sign of the cross, their arms burst into flames
5: They have a third eye in the middle of their backs. Just like Jews!
6: If you bathe in water that an Anglican has whistled into, you get scambies.
7: They live on boats.
The only way that pious, genuine devout followers of the One True Church can put an end once and for all to this ignomininominous state of affairs is for us to do away with this Usurper Pope once and for all and restore the Real Pope, John-Paul Mark 2, to the throne of Saint Peter. Of course, we will have to be supple about this. I am not suggesting that we all descend en Mass on the Vatican to dispose of him. They would see us coming, and although the Catholic Church have always been in favour of coming—it is still said of Catholics that there is one born every minute—generally any coming, or indeed going, should not be seen. Or heard, for that matter. Escept, of course, by God, who likes to watch.
What I am suggest instead is that we should perhaps resort first to legalities, the way that the insensible French have in finding the Scientology cult guilty of fraud. What is stopping us from doing the same thing? The Anglicans, after all, are no less a cult than the Scientologists, and if the False Pope is try to intervene, we can espose him too as a fraud and a fixter and make him tell us where all the bodies are buried, especially Jesus’s (For those of you not up to speed, the Second Coming is already happened, but the False Pope and his cronies put the hour back on Jesus’s alarm clock so he was not waking up in time for the Last Judgment. Consequently, when Jesus was rushing across St. Peter’s Square, still pulling on his sandals, he was knock down by a garbage truck and accidentally killed.)
If any of you are with me in this most important campaign to secure Justice for Jesus and persecute the Anglicans, please send your cheques, giros, poster orders, traveller cheques, luncheon vouchers, gift tokens, and wads of cash in plain brown packages to
Sr. Manuel Estímulo
Justice for Jesus plc
Behind the Gasometer
P.O. Box 666
Do it quick, before you have time to think!