An Affront to Democracy!

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A Souvenir of Milan!

You may not have see in the news because the liberal communists who run the media deliberately downplay the kerfuffle, but well-known Italian paramour and sex god Silvio Berlusconi was dreadfully hospitalized the other day in a horrific accident/assault. I am say accident/assault because it is still not clear precisely what was happened, and the only sources of information so far have been the Italian media, which are all own by Berlusconi himself, and because he is in hospital they are not yet know what the correct facts are that they should make up.

At first the rumour I was hearing was that Berlusconi had been hit by Milan Cathedral. This confuse me because I was think that it mean he was hit nearby the cathedral, but then someone else was say, No, it was by the cathedral itself, which confuse me even more!  However, I figure that here in Spain we have many shrines, Madonnas, reliquaries, and cetera that cry, bleed, dance, sing, tell jokes, play music, and so on, so why not should the cathedral have attack him? Is very spiky, and that would esplain the cut under his eye.

Church Launches Assault on Berlusconi

But since then, the rumour have changed and that he was hit not by the cathedral at all but by a small model version of it, made of marble and metal, which catch him just nicely. However, nobody have been able to retrieve the projectile, and it sound very implausible and unlikely that someone who have it in for Berlusconi would concock a plot that might involve throwing a small religious souvenir artefact at him when they are in fact close enough to get him with something better, such as a brick, a bullet, or a bucket of poo. Therefore this suggest to me that this was not an assault as was describe in the papers at all, but in fact an unfortunate accident that have occurred because of the heavy security which surround Berlusconi. This would make much more sense of the information as we know them.

This is what I think have happen:  A wish-weller was want to get close to Berlusconi to give him a Christmas gift of a snow globe.   Berlusconi was being surrounded by hundreds of wish-wellers on this occasion, but the security around him is always very heavy, usually an elite unit of 16-year-old female models. The wish-weller, unable to reach him, therefore decide the best he could do would be to lob his globe in the general direction of the prime minister and hope that he see it coming. Evidence in favour of this theory is that Berlusconi, after being hit, climbed back out of the car again to try to find the wish-weller and thank him for the gift. Also the comment from the fascist leader Umberto Bossi, who was describe the events as the actions of a terrorist. Anyone who know the Italian history will know that it is fascists who are mostly the responsible for terrorist acts, and this therefore suggest that the individual responsible was simply showing his admiration for the Duce of Desire.

Do Not Throw Pointy Gifts!

I am suspect that the globe was like this one, with penguins on, which have lots of beaks, which could easily have caught Berlusconi askry and smash his teeth in, an important lesson for children not to throw presents at one another. Or if you are throwing presents, make sure they have soft edges.

Is a Much Safer Option

In all the confusion that was happen after Berlusconi get twatted, the Italian police was spring into action with their usual efficiency and arrest the first person they could find with a history of mental illness; this is to send the message that only a nutter would carry out such a malevolent and crazy act. Of course, this was a crowd of Berlusconi supporters, remember, so it was not a difficult job for the police.  They could have done it blindfold! If you are pick any supporter of the Peoples of Freedom Movement you are likely to find they have a history of mental illness, a criminal record, or both. Usually both. So was a good chance they would get some idiot willing to say he was the person throwing the globe, and in the end they are settle on Massimo Tartaglia (the Guardian have finally got round to a nice slide show, here). Tartaglia, interestingly, is the Italian word for Patsy.

According to the Times newspaper of England, Berlusconi was had a premonition of his attack. He was confide to his spokesman on the way to Milan that “something might happen to him today” because of the climate of hate against him. This is not a very good premonition, though, I think you will agree. It is rank up their with Joe Coleman’s predictions that Our Lady will appear in Knock, or JFK’s comment, “Is such a nice day here today in Dallas, I think we should put the top down.”  had he any sense at all,  Berlusconi would be say that before every time he appear in public!  If anything, he should consider himself lucky he was not lamped the way Mussolini was.

The event have already massive international repercussions.  I am suspect now that Biff O’Cowen is giving second thoughts to taking a hard line against union action by the Irish Gardaí, who he is threatening with legal action if they strike. I am think he would prefer to have them committed to protecting him from bad-wishers, of which there are now several in Ireland, rather than accidentally letting them through. Fortunately, the Irish have just pass a law which allow anyone with a gun in their house to shoot intruders to death with it, which will mean I espect that all burglars will now also carry guns in case they are disturb, and everyone who have not got a gun will also now want to get one in case burglars have one and because they can shoot with impumity. Biff and his colleagues in government have been very foresight in anticipating attacks on their person. From now on, they are tell us with this law, they will be packing heat, so even if you are thinking when they come round to your house canvassing, “I can invite him in then shoot him and say he was an intruder,” you can espect him to have a bigger gun than you and be ready to use it.  After all, the government have already demonstrate with their budget that they are understand the Madman theory of deterrence. Would any sensible person be willing to risk taking on Wild-eye Biff and Calamity O’Dea when there is no guarantee that their actions will be bound by reason or ethics?

Berlusconi should take notice of how to treat the public in future. Always keep them at arms’ length. Firearms’ length!

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