
Give Ireland Back to the English!
Welcome to Sunny Crete. Don’t Not Forget Your Beach Towels!!
Did my title get your attention? Si! Are you like it? Of course! Is my entry suggestion for the new competition Your Lovely Pissing Country, Your Call, which have been set up by the husband of the president of lovely pissing Ireland, Michael MacIntyre, in the hope that the country’s devout, downtrodden peasants can come up with free ideas to get the place out of another fine mess they’ve gotten us into, all because the government just haven’t got a clue what to do. They are like a man who have sat in a bucket and lowered himself down a well and then when he get to the bottom remembers he cannot swim, and also is allergic to water and buckets. He is at the bottom shouting up, “Hello!! Is there anybody out there? Peasants! Little help!” And the peasants are say, “We’d be very glad to help you, escept you are have our only bucket. And you have also cut our turning-the-winch wages, which means we are not have much energy or enthusiasm for pulling you back up. Our wages are already suppose to be use to bail you out. Where did they go?” But he cannot tell them that they have gone because his bucket have a hole in, dear Liza with a zed, and because they will go bonkers and put a lid on the well and maybe even estend the metaphor still further yet.
Anyway, even if you are think my suggestion is crazy-and after the hames the Irish have made of Ireland, it is not-I am only make the suggestion after stealing it from the Germans, who was last week in the papers suggesting to the Greeks that they should sell off some off their islands to save their economy. The Germans are resenting having to loan back to Greece the money they stole at the end of the war and are thinking themselves up the clever ways to solve the problem, in an ad hoc competition called “Someone Else’s Country, Your Insults.” There have been a big kerfuffle in the media over this suggestion, but in fact I think that it can kill one bird with two stones if done correctly. For esample, why not just give the Germans Crete back? The Germans have shown themselves inordinately fond of visiting the island and did their best to get rid of any Greeks they found there the last time they were there en masse. The Germans do not have any sunny bits in their own country, and eschanging Crete for writing off the Greek debt would have the benefits of (1) being a simple solution, (2) cheering the Germans up, and (3) providing some much-desired lebensraum that would make Poland, the Czech Republic, and Russia breathe much more easy at last. There are already thousands of Germans in Crete, most of them dead, so it would not take long for the new arrivals to make themself at home. As you are know already, my dear reader, we Spanish made this same esperiment after the war when El Generalísimo Francisco Franco was give the southern part of the island of Fuerteventura, the province of Jandía, to the Third Reichs in gratitude for all the help that it had given in the Spanish Civil War for Golf. And everyone have been happy ever after.
Also in the news this week was the disgraceful news about the Vatican conspiracy to undermine efforts to make the Real Pope John Paul Mark 2 into a saint, although of course he is not dead but held prisoner in Castelgandolfo. As you may have read, the nun who was cure of Michael Parkinson Disease by praying to the real pope have fallen sick again. The only possible esplanation of this is that she have been gotten to by the evil forces of the Usurper Pope Bendedict, who have clearly re-Parkinsoned her to prevent the Real Pope’s canonisation. They cannot come out upfront and say, “He cannot be a saint because he is not dead yet,” because this would make a real giveaway, so instead they are have to deliberately undercut all the other planks of the campaign, by discrediting the evidence for his saintliness. Is only a matter of time before the Swiss Guard locate the smoking gun, however, or the smoking syringe, or whatever it is they give to people to re-Parkinson them. Not that you will hear about it in the papers. For which I blame Rupert Murdoct.
One story that was make me laugh heartily and I espect you will laugh too, dear reader, was this one in the Communist atheist Guardian about how the Israel embassy in Madrid is receive letters from schoolchildren in Valencia saying things like “Why are you killing Palestinian children?” and “Get off my land.” Of course, the weak-kneed Guardian feels obliged to get an opinion from the Jews, who are say: “the Spanish government is allowing state schools to be used to promote hatred of both Jews and Israel in a country that already ranks as one of the most antisemitic in Europe.” As if that is a bad thing!!
I will be frank about the Middle East conundrum. I am not really understand, as a follower of the One True Faith, what the fuss is about when Jews and Muslims are killing one another. Is not like we Catholics are have a horse in this race. The Middle East should belong to Christians, of that there is no dispute, and the best thing we can do is let them batter one another to a sweetmeat so that when they are both eshausted we can step back in again a regain the territory so tragically lost after the crusade. For which I blame Saladin. And Rupert Murdoct. And also the fundamentalist Protestants who for some reason believe Israel’s victory will precipitate the Second Coming, as if it is something for them to look forward to. Ha ha ha! I cannot wait to see the looks on their faces!
I shall be spend the nest two weeks on the beach of an unnameable Greek island myself on a busman’s holiday; the view from my terrace here in the Islas Canarias can be a little tiresome when there is no topless beach volleyball happening, and so I am parting my legs and seeing new horizons, escept it is the same one as last year, where I will watch tanned foreing ladies doing naked wrestling and possibly also drinking raki and ouzo and eating figs. Can you tell where it is yet?
While I am there, I shall be listening to my newly bought iGod, which have the entire Bible, both the true bit and the old bit, translated into English and also in the original Spanish. Naturally, I can already recite it from memory, but I am figure you can’t get enough of a good thing, and also it would help me improve my English-not that it is need improving!-if I get borded of listening to the Sermol on the Mount for the 3,000th time. There is no better way of drowning out the sound of children laughing, birds singing, sweet music playing, the sea gently waving at the Laps, and all those other annoying distractions that can ruin a holiday. I shall even wear it while I sleep in the knowledge that I can thereby become subconsciously more pious and repress all those sadistic erotic fantasies about my mother that so frequently are inhabit my dreams.
If you are have any ideas, incidentally, about how we can improve lovely pissing Ireland, don’t tell me about them. Go direct to the horse’s arse and tell them. I am sure they will be greatful for any imaginary suggestions. Is what the hole economy was based on!
Discussion
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Comment by: Small Girl
Mar 8th 2010 at 19:03
Idea for lovely pissing Ireland - foreign direct investment in the towel industry - for the takeover of Crete - the sunbed route. Then when we have built up a triving towel industry and they have enough towels we could get subsidised by the EU not to make them.
Comment by: Miriam Cotton
Mar 11th 2010 at 18:03
Inestimable Manuel, I salute you. More hilarious estimulating estimulation.
Comment by: Manuel Estimulo
Mar 16th 2010 at 06:03
Hola Small Girl!
Is genius. Have you propose it to the competition? Bear in mind that you lose intellectual ownership of it to the people who run it. Probly Germans.
Besos
Manuel
Comment by: Manuel Estimulo
Mar 16th 2010 at 06:03
Hola Miriam Cotton!
I am salute you back for your escellent taste.
Besos
Manuel