The Hole She Bangs!

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Is Not How It Looks. She is Just My Assistant

The appalling latest news in the world of celebrity “entertainment,” which was come out of the blue only this week, is the confession from Latin heart-thrub and all-round croner Randy Martin that he has been leading a double-life all this time. In secret, and behind everyone’s backs, he has also been an 82-year-old homosexual magician. Si! He is not just a singer. He is also a trickster jiggerer pokerer and an atheist, to boot, who have all these years been sawing ladies in half, disappearing the Eiffel Tower, and hiding the sausage.

This kind of misdirection is known in the trade as a beard, which you can see Martin wearing in the picture below during his live show at the Copacabana.

She’s into superstitions black cats and voodoo dolls.
I feel a premonition that girl’s gonna make me fall.
She’s into new sensations new kicks in the candle light.
She’s got a new addiction for every day and night.

She’ll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain.
She’ll make you live her crazy life but she’ll take away your pain
like a bullet to your brain. Come On!

[CHORUS:]
Upside, inside out she’s livin la vida loca etc.

Nobody would have thought to put the two and two together and realize Martin’s other identity, and seeing he has come out of the cabinet of curiosities, everyone is wondering why on earth he thought that now would be a good time to espose himself. After all, it is not like it is any more acceptable to be a magician today than it was in the 19th or 20th centuries, when members of the Magic Circle were social outcasts, lepers, misfits who were hunted down, humiliated, scorned, and then tied up in a strait jacket, suspended upside down, and lowered into a tank of water behind a curtain so that nobody could see. And then afterwards he was punched in the stomach.

I suspect the reason is that Martin has seen the success that peoples like David Blaine, Uri Geller, Derren Brown and David Koresh was having with their prestidigitation, magnetic hypnotisms, and sleights of hand and thought that perhaps society was becoming increasingly tolerant if it was able to make heroes out of such social inadequates. What he was fail to realize is that these men are successful only on sufferance. The Atheistic Masonic Illuminati who allow them their popularity do so only on condition that they devote their time to debunking religion, casting aspersions on the miracles of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus, and generally being septical of Christianity and bringing it into disrepute such as by claiming to be the Messiah (as in the case of Koresh and Blaine). Foolishly, in his magician guise, Martin himself have also offered $1 million dollar if anyone can show, under proper observing conditions, evidence of any paranormal, supernatural, or occult power or event. While this may curry favour with his evil overlords and masters, it is not making him any more loveable to decent ordinary fascist Christians such as alright-thinking people like me and you, dear both my reader. Thus it is a real conandrumm as to why Martin have made this admission now.

Unless of course he is about to plead for our forgiveness. Si. That could be it. He wants to apologize and make up for everything that he have inflicted on us up til now. For A Medio Vivir, for Almas del Silencio, for Sound Loaded, and most of all, for not being Gloria Estefan.

Maybe in another life, Randy!

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