Slimples

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Losing weight doesn’t have to be a major undertaking, providing you’re willing to make the necessary tweaks to your everyday habits that mean the difference between oh-boy! and o-bese. The U.S. National Institutes of Health report that a net loss of a mere 231 calories every day for a month is enough to guarantee a drop in dress size or an inch off your waist. We discovered 30 easy ways to burn up PRECISELY 231 calories a day which you can incorporate into your routine so that after a month you’ll be looking good and feeling great. After a year, you’ll be unrecognizable!

1: Sit in a chair and stretch your legs out in front of you. Sellotape your legs together at the knees, binding them tightly. Then force your legs apart. Don’t give in!

2: Put all your shopping in the wrong cupboards, then take them out and put them into the right ones.

3: Varnish, then strip, a fifth of the back fence.

4: Vacuum your living room ceiling (It’s not as easy as it sounds!)

5: Lick your sofa clean.

6: Crush a whiskey glass in your left hand. Do not stanch the bleeding.

7: Chase (but do not catch) a bluebottle round your kitchen for 15 minutes.

8: Have a proper fight with a nine-year-old girl.

9: Defecate angrily.

10: Hide the remote control, turn the house upside down for 15 minutes, then find it.

11: Keep a wasp in your mouth for five minutes. Do not suck or swallow wasp.

12: During your office lunch-hour, strap a chihuahua or other similarly sized dog into a sling and carry it round your neck. Remember to take it off at the end of your lunch hour.

13: Recycle your own urine (for three days).

14: Buy a Wii and Wii Fit Board, take them out of the box, put back in. Repeat x50.

15: Instead of using low-fat spread with your croissants in the morning, use soap.

16: Scatter biscuit crumbs in your bed before retiring.

17: Stand on one leg for fourteen hours.

18: Climb 145 feet up a cliff.

19: Bend wire coathangers into a lifesize marmoset.

20: Take a brisk, refreshing walk through Wythenshawe Park after dark.

21: Go to a Salsacise class and stand outside laughing heart-healthily at the suckers going in.

22: Make passionate, dangerous love to your partner in a public place, but ejaculate/orgasm prematurely.

23: Walk to the gym. Buy some water. Walk home.

24: Find an ants nest and stamp on them individually.

25: Pretend you made it to the World Cup final. Show yellow cards to nine Dutch men.

26: Follow through.

27: Tie yourself to a chair and watch Top Gear.

28: Lose to an adult or beat a small child at badminton.

29: Go to a nightclub, boogie the night away, then insult the door staff on the way out of the club and the security staff on your way in to the hospital.

30: Wax a leg

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