Not a Worker in Sight: Paradise!!
There have been esciting developments in the world of Spanish aviation which not many of you will have read about unless you subscribe to the Daily Mail, which is never cease to go on about bloody Spanish air traffic controllers. Visitors to Spain, tourists, foreingers, businessmen, decent people, those with private income, holidaymakers, and drug smugglers have all been unanimous, it is fair to say, over the years, in their frustration at the strikes, go-slows, go-quicks, and work-to-rules that these feckless layabout “workers” have seen fit to impose whenever it seem like the sun will come out. And if it is not the air traffic controllers, it is the pilots, and if it is not them, it is the baggage manhandlers. Only the nice pretty cabin staff seem to have a vocation, and that is only because ladies in Spain have always being brought up properly to do as they are told and to keep their mouths shut and not make a fuss. Otherwise nobody will want them.
These troubles and travails is all a thing of the past now, however, with the wonderful news that the island of La Gomera in Las Islas Canarias is pioneering a new system which will mean that the island’s airport will no longer require air traffic controllers whatsoever. That’s right! No more queueing for landing or taking off, no more sitting in hot tar on the runaway, no more smart-alex in the control tower barking orders to their betters just because pilots have a uniform and they don’t. From now on, all planes will take off and arrive on time in La Gomera, which will mean that the several dozen tourists who visit the island each year will begin and end their holidays at the correct appointed hour, all the eggs and cattle at breakfast will be fresh, there will be soap and clean water available on arrival at their hotel, and the airport will be able to open and close at its designated official times (11.00 a.m. to 2.30 p.m, escept Mondays).
How are they all able to do this? I hear you ask. Weren’t we all told that air traffic controllers are the vital life blood that keep the airports running smoothly and ensuring peoples get their connecting flights, and make sure planes don’t crash into one another either by accident or for a laugh, because controllers are somber people who like nothing less than a good joke? Yes, you are right, we was all told that, but it turns out to have been propaganda from the Air Traffic Controllers Union People (ACT-UP). It now transpires that the airports can be run by teenagers using remote-controls guiding the planes into the airport. All that is needed is the ability to read a timetable and the use of both thumbs. Who was it said nothing good came out of 9/11?!
As you can imagine, not ALL of the youngsters on the island of La Gomera will be qualify for this job. Only the brightest and best amongst them, who you can see in the photo above. But just imagine this: A mere decade ago, even the majority of grownups on La Gomera pointed every time a plane went over head, and then hid under a cart, whereas today, thanks to juduicious use of the Nintendo Wii and Sony PlayStable, several of the island’s children have been fully modernized, in a business-backed program that will see them given clothes and food and segregated off from the other children for fear of contamination. They will then work around a clock to ensure there are no more disasters like Pam Ann Flight 90210 or Heathrow Terminal 5.
This is, I think, only the start of a golden age of new efficiency in the workerless paradise of the new Spain. If you are think about it, there is no real need for the pilots on these planes either, because all they do is take off, say hello to the passengers, put the plane on autopilot, have a siesta, take the plane off autopilot, say goodbye to the passengers, then get lots of money. If the children at La Gomera take charge of take-off and landing, the autopilot can surely do the rest. And if you take a leaf out of Ryanair’s books, you will not need the baggage manhandlers either, or even the cabin crew, escept to prevent/initiate punch-ups on board or give alcoholic drinks to frightened babies.
You know, an initiative like this could inspire businesses not just across Spain but right across Europe as a hole, in these dire economic times. If we are able to replace an entire workforce in the airports with a handful of idiot children and battery-controlled remotes, surely we can do the same in our factories, schools, and hospitals. I know David Cameron-Clegg for one is keen on the idea. He has already got rid of the ASBOs to free up the child labour force so they can leave the house at night time for the late shift down at the abattoir. Many jobs in the so-called “caring” professions, though not as worthwhile as jobs in, say, defence or marketing, can easily be carry out by children and the disabled. Having children in care or those on disability benefit team up and take care of one another automatically halves costs for the government.
Indeed, why stop at children? I was seeing on television a program about a paraplegic man who was waited on hand and foot by a trained spider monkey. They literally work for peanuts. And you must have read about the recent research in which scientists taught a monkey to move a robotic arm using just the power of its own thought? Consider the possibilities! In a few years times we could have monkeys landing planes just by thinking about it. And the rest of us could go on holiday all year in the very same planes, guided by monkeys!
Don’t go to La Gomera, though. It is shit.
We welcome and encourage lively discussion from the public about articles on Irish Left Review. You can leave a comment using the form at the bottom of the page. Please read through the existing comments before posting your own.