The Usurper Bendedict: Don’t worry, is just a bit of wind, queen.
Queen: Si, but I think I may have follow through, usurper.
The usurper Bendedict is on the fake papal visit to Britain this week in an attempt to butter up the Queen and Prince Phillips and divert attention away from sundry ill-doings and goings-on at the Vatican. I espect that while everyone is looking the other way, over there, at England, Vatican malefactors are secretly smuggling the Real Pope John Paul Mark Two out of his prison cell in the dungeons and moving him to a secure location while the health and safety people pay a visit. If you have not been read the papers recently, this has become all necessary following the revelations by the Vatican’s chief esorcist last week that the Devil himself is working in the Vatican. Father Gabriele Amorth, who, coincidentally, has a book out, said in the paper this week that Satan actually is paying rent to the Vatican for lodging there, which has come as a total shock but not complete surprise to anyone who knows a thing about the Vatican bankers, who will take money off anyone, no questions bothered. Health and Safety presumably are concern because the devil is both living and working in the Vatican, which therefore mean the place has dual use, his residence serving as a workplace. They will have to make sure that there are safe stairs, electricity, air, a fridge, and toilet facilities which are all up to scratch and nobody can fall in or have accidents (such as like the queen in the picture above).
Of course, this is all horsing around after the bolt has stabled. If they had really want to find Satan in the Vatican, they had no need escept to look any further than the end of his noses! For it is precisely the usurper Bendedict who is the best candidate for being the antichrist, so long as you know where to look. This is why he is so keen to hang onto his skulkcap above; underneath you can clearly make out the 666 tattoo he have had on his head since the day he join the Nazi Party (Hitler was member number 555, but the membership numbers started at 500: This is a true lie). People should not be put off and dissuaded by the False Pope’s impeccable credentials as a former Nazi, anti-Vatican II, traditionalist, misogynist anti-Semite. This is all just for show. He is what is known in the trades as a long sleeper. This means he lie in bed until lunchtime plotting and scheming and pretend to be who he isn’t. That is who he is. And now it is all come to fruition, as the usurper Bendedict has watched over the steady decline of the One True Church into infamy and discredit so that everyone would turn away from God. It is He who have put the lust into the hearts of priests and made all those children look sexy. It is He who have from the start encourage not just the coverups, which in themself was not a bad idea, but who ensure that it was all so incompetently done that they would get find out. It was He who had the Real Pope John Paul Mark Two drugged and hallucinated to make it look like he had died so that Saint Peter’s Seat was empty (Seat as in throne, not as in top-notch brand of Spanish car. Saint Peter did not drive: He had a unicycle).
Father Gabriele Amorth is reckon that he has been involve in 70,000 cases of demonic possession during his time as the Vatican head esorcist. This must, I am imagine, include cases of mass possession, such as the crowd at the Nou Camp. Otherwise he would have been doing, in my estimation, 300 casting outs a day, and that is just one esorcist. Nonetheless, even if he can’t add up, we must trust his espertise in matters pataphysical and theodoxical. If anyone knows what the Devil is look like, it will be him.
In an interview with the Italian newspaper La Repubblica, Father Amorth was saying that Satan is “pure spirit, invisible. But he manifests himself with blasphemies and afflictions in the person he possesses. He can remain hidden, or speak in different languages, transform himself or appear to be agreeable. He can speak Latin and Greek but also Norwegian and Klingon. He can appear as a 5-million-year-old man or a day-old tadpole. He could be that table over there. That microphone you are holding. This Strepsil. He likes to make fun of me. Him and lots of other people.”
Si, Satan is a slippery piece of shit alright and, make no mistakes, this is why we haven’t not caught him yet. What’s more, when the antichrist comes, he will look like the Messiah. That is what John the Elevator tells us in the apocryphal Book of Scaring Children. However, there is always one way to be sure you have identify correctly the Beast, and that is to answer yourself the question “Cui Bono?” Whenever there is some scandal that appears to discredit the Catholic Churuch, or wherever there is some media figure acting like he is the Messiah and bringing heaven to earth, you just need to say to yourself, “Where is Bono?” And if he is there among the middle of the action, hogging the limelights (or even just having a dump in the cherrylights), you can be sure that evil is afoot. Or afeet. Have you ever not notice that we have never not seen the usurper Bendedict and Bono in the same room together? I will let you drawer your own conclusals.
Of course, if U2 perform live during the papal visit, all the above is wrong and it would mean that the hole past 58 years of my life would have been wasted. But somehow, I AM DOUBT IT VERY MUCH.
If any of my British readers is want by the way to have a go at assassinating the pope, here is his itinerary. Or if you simply want to avoid seeing U2, you can be certain they will not be at these venues. Why not kill two birds with one stone. A big stone. Or failing that, use a gun. No jury on earth will convict you. Just tell them God told you to do it. They will understand completely.