Varnishing Point

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Just because the economy is on its death bed doesn’t mean you have to forgo any part of your beauty routine. After all, when you look good, you feel good, and now more than ever the whole world is looking for reasons to feel good. And what’s more, scientists have proven that at times of economic depression, those who look and act younger are more likely to come through unscathed than those who appear to be elderly, diseased, defective, and/or poor. The trick is to find cheap or free strategies that deliver the maximum impact. Whether it’s hiding dark circles or boosting hair shine or demonstrating acrobatic sexual skills on the nether regions of a billionaire CEO, here are our experts’ 40 top tips on how how to look much much younger for much much less.

1: A quick and easy way to disguise old, tired eyes is to use a concealer. Such as sunglasses. They have the added advantage of making you look cool when you wear them indoors, like in a bar, restaurant, or pub. To add wealth and worldliness to your look, wear ski goggles instead.

2
: The older you are, the more discoloured your teeth are likely to be. Avoid grinning or laughing in daylight. Replacing the bulbs at home with yellow or brown lighting will make your teeth look whiter.

3: Wear ear-rings with mirrors attached so that people are attracted to their own reflection rather than to your appearance.


4: The key to good skin is staying hydrated. Try to drink around 15 pints of beer a day. All the time spent inside dark pubs will protect your skin from the ageing effects of the sun, and the frequent urination will keep your plumbing fresh.

5: Glycerin is packed full of moisture and great for making tired-looking skin look young again. Dab a couple of drops under each eye and people will think you’ve been crying like a little girl.

6
: The older you get, the wilder facial hair becomes: nostrils, ears and eyebrows seem to explode with random growth. A face mask of depilatory cream every evening will keep down the proliferation. Take Aspirin and coat your head in aloe vera gel the next morning to take down the swelling.

7: Beards and moustaches add years to your appearance, whether you’re a man or a woman, so avoid them unless you’re growing them to hide wrinkles, rosacea or other general ugliness. Consider dyeing your beard pink, green or purple to convey a fun, youthful disposition.

8: Smoke cigarettes. Only schoolkids smoke cigarettes these days.

9: Wear a school uniform when you go to the pub. And braces. On your teeth, not your trousers.

10: Before going out to a club, take anti-inflammatories, such as Nurofen, Cataflam, or Difene. Then, once you’re there, choose the oldest member of the opposite sex to dance with, and fling yourself around the floor like a maniac. Your partner’s pained and arthritic attempts to keep up will make you look spritely and full of youthful vigour. The internal bleeding caused by the anti-inflammatories and/or flinging yourself around are a small price to pay.

11: Wear your hair in a ponytail, pulling your facial skin taut. If you are a bloke, wear a headband instead. Blokes with ponytails are cunts.

12: Distract from wrinkles on your forehead by drawing arrows on your cheekbones pointing at your ears.

13: Everybody loves firm, pert buttocks. Keep yours hidden.

14: Nothing says “youthful” more than big doe eyes. You can dilate your pupils by using eyedrops, snorting cocaine or sexual arousal. Ideally, use a teat pipette to drip dilute cocaine into your eyeballs while masturbating. The effect will only be temporary but then so is life.

15: Getting plenty of sleep and lots of omega-3 fatty acids will help regenerate your body’s cells. See your doctor for high-dosage sleeping tablets or ask an anaesthetist friend to knock you unconscious for a couple of days while wrapped in salmon slices.

16: On the other hand, when you’re asleep, your muscles relax and your face sags, adding years to your appearance. Try to avoid sleeping.

17: Stop talking to your friends for no good reason and if they try to engage you in conversation, throw a strop. They’ll soon begin to regard you as much more juvenile than before.

18: Nobody self-harms like teenagers. A few razor slices along each inner forearm will knock years off your apparent age. Try carving the name of a fictional vampire character.

19: If you have dark liver spots or blotches on your neck and chest, wear beige and brown jewelery that incorporates them into the design.

20: Get rid of any unwanted grey hairs by shaving your head. You’ll look just like a newborn baby, and nobody looks younger than a newborn baby!

21
: Bathe in asses’ milk and drink virgins’ blood OR bathe in virgins’ blood and drink asses’ milk. Where you live will determine which is the more plentiful commodity.

22
: Plump “bee-sting” lips look younger and more enticing. If you cannot catch a bee, use a wasp.

23: Greasy, spotty skin is a sure sign of youth. Try smearing lard on your face before going to bed each evening. Eat lots of pizza and chocolate. Or smear pizza and chocolate on your face before going to bed each evening and eat lots of lard.

24
: There’s a well-known saying that it requires more muscles to frown than to smile. Give your face a good toning workout by frowning all day.

25: Another time when face muscles sag is when you look downwards. Make sure you’re on the bottom during sex, or else do it doggy style, so your face is hidden from your partner. Do not incorporate mirrors into your lovemaking unless you are also using a gimp mask.

26: Tattoo over any unsightly neck wrinkles. A spider-web pattern along the wrinkles is a popular option.

27
: Chew your fingernails down to the quick like a neurotic adolescent’s.

28: Eating garlic, onions, and vast quantities of pulses will ensure that people keep their distance and thus miss those tell-tale details that give away your true age.

29
: Standing and sitting erect place a lot of strain on the spine and back muscles. Slouch whenever possible or recline on a sofa. Just don’t fall asleep (see 16, above).

30: Avoid losing weight. Your skin looks younger if it’s stretched. Besides, saggy “bingo wings” and sallow heroin-addict cheekbones are fine on a mortuary slab, not on the dancefloor. Except the dancefloor of Stringfellow’s.

31: A dab of Lanacane powder at each corner of your mouth will absorb any of the drooling that older people are prone to.

32: Generate a sprightly, youthful step in your gait by taking amphetamines. Avoid ginseng, which has not been approved by the BMA; evidence for its effects is purely anecdotal, and it’s quite possibly dangerous.

33: Plump up your cheeks by keeping a snail in each side of your mouth. They don’t have to be particularly big ones.

34: Spectacles add years to your appearance and draw attention to bloodshot, jaundiced, or just plain defective eyes. Consider replacing them with glass eyes that never lose their like-new shine. And if they do you can polish them.

35: Nothing makes your skin glow like pregnancy. Not that we recommend getting yourself knocked up just to look younger, and it won’t work in any case for most of our male readers. But if you have a school reunion coming up in a couple of months, it’s worth considering as an emergency solution. Just don’t tell anyone.

36: Wear a polo neck sweater to hide a hideous saggy neck. Unroll it over your chin to hide hideous jowls.

37
: Conceal drooping boobs by tucking them under each armpit.

38: Lift your eyelids to create more youthful contours using sellotape. The transparent kind.

39: Bags and dark circles under your eyes can be concealed using shimmer or glitter or gaffer tape. Rip the tape off quickly and it may take the bags with it.

40: Avoid any exercise that involves stretching; repetitive high-impact actions; eye or muscle strain; exposure to wind, water and/or sun; excessive twisting; strain on the heart and lungs; or stuffy indoor environments. Crown green bowls is ideal. In the snow.

From the October 2010 issue of Prime of Life magazine.

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4 Responses

  1. Pope Epopt

    October 25, 2010 9:19 am

    A pharmacist reliably informed me that rubbing hemorrhoid cream under the eyes reduces the bags.

    So pile it on. The results will surprise you!

  2. Prenderghast

    October 25, 2010 10:11 am

    Hi P.E.

    That is indeed true. Conversely, you can soothe hemorrhoids using Optrex eye lotion because it contains witchhazel. Just make sure you thoroughly clean the eyebowl after use.

  3. Pope Epopt

    October 25, 2010 7:47 pm

    Aha – but that there Optrex can’t make you look like that hunky Mr. Sheen in Apocalypse Now. Or perhaps only to your very good friends.

    P.S. The asses’ milk is easily come by down the country here, but are the virgins in recipe 21 optional? Could one substitute silage?