
Wronging Writes
OUR CLIENT:
is an internationally known mass-media organization at the forefront of disseminating carefully selected pieces of data, on behalf of its customers, to the general public. It has both a traditional and longstanding outlook on the way the world is and the way it should be and is keen to both advocate for that worldview and ensure these traditions endure. As such, our client is currently on the lookout for someone possessing creative genius and no moral compass to fill their exciting vacancy for a
RUMOURMONGER
YOU:
are most likely a once-idealistic journalist with thwarted ambitions happy at this point in your career to shill for government departments, private commercial enterprises, or foreign warlords looking for a European passport. You will be adept at identifying nonexistent social trends and spinning spurious evidence into indubitable proof. You can, with a few well-chosen weasel words, turn a celebrity’s chemotherapy into speculations about anorexia, anti-establishment and non-conformist behaviour into mental instability or possible paedophilia, state-sanctioned execution by police marksmen into self-defence or protection of the public, and flight from torture and persecution into malevolent pursuit of the good life. Cynicism is not an absolute necessity for this job but a clear-sighted awareness of how the mass media works today will be essential in our successful candidate.
WE:
are a leading PR and opinion-forming marketing agency that has been supplying press releases and staff to the global mass media for generations. We count among our successes such bold examples of disinformation as the Zinoviev letter, the lone-assassin theory, private-sector efficiency/public-sector waste, anti-semitism, England’s world cup chances, and the forthcoming death of Cheryl Cole. If you believe you have what it takes to thrive in the ever-demanding, cut-throat dogging-dog world of rumourmongery, please send examples of your work, a list of ten plausibly undeniable rumours you’d like to see in the papers, and a full-biography résumé (with birth certificate and qualifications)* to
Marc Yavelly
Personnel Recruitment
Illuminati & Mason Creative and Marketing Resources
Trashbat House
Canary Wharf
London
*All ideas and certifications become the property of Illuminati & Mason.

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