Just Because It’s Ship-Shape . . .

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Bring on the Empty Forces

The British government recently announced that its latest aircraft carrier would not be carrying any aircraft, a decision that we here at Modern Pacifist magazine applaud as a courageous act that defies the global forces of death and destruction. We should now like to see the government take the next logical step in the process of shaping swords into ploughshares by turning the carrier into something valuable that can benefit the people of Britain as a whole, or perhaps even the peoples of the world, thereby truly embodying the “Big Society” philosophy that the government is so keen to promote. We therefore humbly offer these 50 suggestions, which we would like to have considered as our contribution to 101 Possible Uses of an Empty Aircraft Carrier. We would love it if our readers could come up with even better suggestions.

1: A children’s petting zoo filled with military mascots.

2: A residential home for retired colonels.

3: A draught excluder for the Outer Hebrides.

4: A new headquarters for the Conservative Party.

5: An educational cruise ship visiting past colonial hotspots (Hong Kong, Gibraltar, Suez, Aden, the Falklands).

6: The site of the 2012 Olympics.

7: A mobile council estate to intimidate recalcitrant middle-class communities with lower house prices.

8: A floating prison for Ministry of Defence and Treasury officials.

9: The new National Theatre on Tour.

10: An offshore sweatshop (thereby reducing the transportation costs of imports and providing a home for illegal immigrants).

11: A mobile factory for the production of cars, ships, aircraft carriers, aircraft.

12: A cemetery for broken manifesto pledges.

13: A backdrop for Motorhead gigs.

14: A convention centre for Trekkies, Crufts, Ideal Home Exhibition, The Boat Show.

15: A combination church/synagogue/mosque/temple for all the nation’s religious, allowing us to use their inland structures for libraries, schools, hospitals or other socially useful and non-divisive purposes.

16: A drag strip, just like in Rebel without a Cause.

17: Canal holidays on the Norfolk Broads.

18: A new comedy vehicle for Jim Davidson.

19: A catwalk for London Fashion Week.

20: A drive-in movie theatre.

21: A climbing frame.

22: A lifeboat on Roman Abramovich’s yacht.

23: An Arms (and Legs) Bazaar, providing prosthetic limbs for war victims.

24: A replacement for Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear.

25: A new roadbridge across the Tyne.

26: The Macclesfield bypass.

27: A mobile hairdressing salon-cum-icebreaker-cum-slum-clearance craft.

28: A barnacle farm.

29: A sun lounger for whales.

30: An aquarium.

31: A submarine.

32: A credit card swipe for the European Central Bank.

33: A percussion instrument for the Hallé Orchestra.

34: A walk-in wardrobe.

35: An ashtray.

36: A shoe for Godzilla.

37: A beermat.

38: A giant casserole dish.

39: A suitable topic for mid-term exams, a humourous blog post, or a Cambridge Entrance interview.

40: Curtains for the coalition government.

41: A nitelite.

42: The nation’s ironing board.

43: Venue for the world Flight Deck championships.

44: The secret lair of the next Bond villain.

45: Blackpool illuminations.

46: As a decoy to deceive enemies trying to destroy our inflatable aircraft carriers.

47: Somewhere to keep the good crockery.

48: A table-top for life-size Escalado races.

49: A new home for Liverpool F.C.

and of course

50: A multi-storey carp Ark.

From the November issue of Modern Pacifist magazine.

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