British prime minister David Cameron recently received a lot of unjustified and unnecessary criticism from malevolent commentators in the media for inviting representatives from a number of arms manufacturers and dealers to accompany him on his tour of Middle Eastern countries. This criticism was the result of biased, selective and partial coverage of the prime minister’s tour that deliberately neglected to mention or obscured from the British public’s gaze the full and diverse range of invitees who accompany the PM on all overseas tours, thereby skewing the interpretation of the prime minister’s motives. As a corrective, we here at Conservative Party Central Office have compiled a list and brief profile of the charities, NGOs, and various other humanitarian organizations that have a constant and trusted place in the prime minister’s entourage:
Slave the Children: A long-established and much-respected charity that aims to encourage the untrammeled movement of free labour across international boundaries.
The Peace Sledge Union: Promoting self-esteem and unity among former colonies by teaching them cricket and then losing to them.
War on War on Want: “We believe that the best way to alleviate poverty is by stimulating competition between humanitarian agencies in a good-spirited race to the bottom.”
UNICELF: Helping those who help themselves.
Oxfat: Thirty years of service dedicated to fighting Third World obesity.
The World Food Pogrom: The fewer the people, the more food there is to go round.
CAFODE: Enriching the Third World with used TVs from Essex.
GOAL: Hoping to rescue the next George Weah and give him a British passport.
Caratas: Promoting the importance of hygiene in daily life and transparency in business by washing the blood off blood diamonds.
Médecins Dans Frontières: A highly respected front organization committed to the shipping of generic drugs overseas at proprietary brand prices, thereby making everyone feel better.
Crócaire: Leading a ground-breaking initiative, inspired by the so-called Green Revolution, to help the sick, moribund, and already dead to lead useful afterlives (as fertilizer).
Hurt the Aged: Creating demographic space in countries with massive youth unemployment by giving them the economic space to flourish.
Amnasty International: Helping prisoners of conscience escape their conscience.
Comic Relief: Saving the careers of poverty-stricken comedians unable to secure voiceover jobs or work on gameshows.
and of course
The Young Conservatives: Looking for prospective wealthy donors with a penchant for horsey gals from the shires.
Anyone wishing to impugn the prime minister or cast aspersions upon the nobility of his actions need only consider the extent of his philanthropy, as implied by the above list, and draw their own conclusions.
Thank you.
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March 14, 2011 8:54 pm
You forgot SCORF – Save The Children (of The Royal Family).
March 15, 2011 5:25 pm
William, this is your fault
Eat the Children: A modest proposal that demands to be taken literally. Alleviate the suffering of millions and reduce over-population in the global south in a single move while also providing much needed nourishment for the aging population in the global north. I can see agribusiness potential for the enterprising in developing countries, with investors falling over themselves to plough money into the child harvesting business. Stunting growth as a major growth industry – should I get the t-shirts and bumper stickers sorted?
March 15, 2011 5:28 pm
Oh I blame Jonathan Swift.
March 15, 2011 5:35 pm
And how could we forget the archetypal Tory humanitarian organization: The Blue Helmets
March 15, 2011 6:05 pm
Yes, well, I knew one of those writers was to blame.
And the humanitarian organisation that operates out of a hotel room in Soho: Banquiers sans Pantalon
March 15, 2011 6:08 pm
As opposed to the New Labour HO fulfilling the same function: Banquiers sans Culottes
March 15, 2011 6:20 pm
Haha!
March 16, 2011 10:58 pm
Can I suggest
Asshole of Haiti
Budding Irish entrepreneurs visit destitute country destroyed by neo-liberal austerity measures, seeking to apply what they learned in Haiti about turning a profit.