Do Not Panic. Kill All Actors!!

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“No point getting toilet paper. It will be miles away by now.”

Here is Leonardo Da Capo and Kate Wimslet above from the new movie Contagion!, which is already spreading like an incurable rash across box offices near you. The movie is telling the true story of how actors travel all around the world making films and in the process carrying with them virulent deadly diseases such as the lurgy, rabies, pimples, syphilis, and popcorn. A lot of people have already made the point that the movie is not meant to be a true story but is only a metaphor that is meant to warn us about the dangers of immigration, and therefore that we should close all our borders, including the bookshops, but the irony is, and I don’t believe in irony, that more than 30 people died during the making of the film, all of them from illnesses contracted because they went abroad. But you won’t hear that mentioned in the film, will you? Oh no. And why not? Because it is a work of fiction.

In fact, the correct way to look at the film is this, my way. Rather than the film’s message being a metaphor for clamping down on illegal immigrants, those deaths of the various crew members (including two best boys, one first grip, and Miss Wimslet’s fluffer) should be seen as a metaphor for the Hollywood movie industry and the way that it spreads its evil testicles through foreign cultures, the subcutaneous implicit insidious liberal value-system that Hollywood embodies infiltrating and undermining locally constructed belief systems such as voodoo, Copernicanism, creationism, heart-warming fascism, and, in places like Australia, Bananas in Pajamas and penis puppetry. These long-held and much-cherished vernacular worldviews struggle in the face of the virulence of Hollywood liberalism because of the latter’s technological know-how, its shiny newness that appeals to all primitive, innocent savages, and its loud bangs and large-breasted women, all of which distract and confuse the former penis worshippers so that they do not notice the sneaky subtext being slipped in underneath: the sympathetic portrayal of Jews and freemasons, the blatant feminism, the tolerance for inferior races, the anthropomorphizing of Muslims. All of these things are there, if you look closely, but nobody does because they are all still recovering from the shock of seeing an elephant fly.

You are probably thinking now, “Well that’s all true, Manuel, and well observed,” but how does this fit into the correct fascist view of the world? Surely inferior races with their stupid worldviews and religions will just be wiped off the face of the earth in the struggle for survival like that appalling race of human beings in Independence Day. To which I would reply, “Did you not see the end of that movie?! Also, you are confusing Catholic fascism with Social Darwinism, you inbecile! Fascism does not want people to be killed. No! That is just a typical Hollywood distortion of its actual, true message, which is stay where you are, don’t immigrate, open your hearts to Jesus, and export your resources to Spain.”

You see, we in the Falangist movement appreciate and understand the importance of societies retaining their own cultures and sense of place. The peoples of all societies have developed their cultures and values so that they are appropriate to where they live-Islam for the desert, Buddhism for the rice paddy, Christianity for the battlefield, and cetera-and which is why they should never be mixed up together. However and neverthenonetheless, having said all that, it is also clear that 1) Christianity is correct and therefore we have an obligation to take Jesus’s Good News to all human beings regardless of their ability to understand it, and 2) it follows that there is a natural hierarchy between societies, specifically those superior ones which have received Jesus’s message first, and the inferior ones which are not in Europe.

Sadly, then, it is cucumbent upon us, the European Christian West, particularly the Spanish, to shoulder the white man’s burden of subjugating other cultures and, like benevolent but strict schoolmasters, guiding lesser races in their quest to be just like us, which they never can be. This is a great and onerous burden, which is why we require so many resources from foreign countries to carry it out properly, what was incorrectly called the “circle of life” in that doicumentary The Lion King, yet another piece of schmaltzy liberal Hollywood schlock that totally misrepresented Nature. And don’t not get me started on Bambi.

Contagion! thus carries a confusing message. It talks about contagious infectious death-dealing plagues as if they are a bad thing, when in fact it is movies that are the virus and therefore a bad thing, and the truth is that some plagues are actually a good thing, such as missionary work to unenlightened countries and The crusades. Therefore, in conclusion, Contagion!‘s true message is that we are all dead in the long run and we are in a race against time to make sure everyone catches the virus of Christianity before they die.

There. Now you will not even have to see it. Me neither.

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