A Christmas Prayer

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Baby Jesus, mild and meek

Grant us all an outlook bleak

Guarantee a life austere

Misery throughout the year

Baby Jesus, barely born

Look upon a world forlorn

Billions facing daily strife

Promise them an afterlife

Through your death upon the cross

Exalt obedience to the boss

Put their suffering into perspective

Serve as an ideological corrective

Baby Jesus, it’s an emergency

Banish the people’s thoughts of insurgency

Justify their deprivation

Self-sacrifice for their edification

Banisher of usurers from the temple

Set for us a good example

Though many moralists still confuse

Honest bankers and filthy Jews.

Baby Jesus, to Earth you came

To show us who we ought to blame

Fornicators, harlots, commies,

Atheists and unwed mommies.

Profligate Greeks who don’t pay taxes

Teen binge drinkers with Brazilian waxes

Rioters in cities, fighting the cops

Liberal clergymen, establishment fops

Immigrants, multiculturalism, violent video games

Public sector workers, Wikileaks naming names,

Bradley Manning, Arab Spring, Wall Street Occupiers

Baby Jesus, damn them all, to brimstone and Hell’s fires.

Better still, O bringer of peace

If it’s not too much trouble, bring blessèd release

Free your people from their insanity

Annihilate the rest of humanity.

May you all have a pious, spartan, and devotional Christmas.



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