Mass Psychosis

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Preliminary Report for the European Initiative on the Standardization of Emotional Response Measurement(EUI #32549/P)

In an effort to further facilitate administrative alignment among the various members of the European Union, the Bureau of European Policy Advisers has initiated a process of defining and determining the full range of emotional and psychic attitudes exhibited by citizens of member states. It is hoped that such determinations will allow for the introduction and implementation of precise and targeted compensatory mechanisms to ensure a broadly similar habitus across the Union in lieu of other, more vulgar, quality-of-life measures such as leisure time and financial wealth. Initial attempts show some promise, but problems have arisen, particularly in the UK, because the full range of emotions are rarely encountered at a sufficient magnitude or frequency to be accurately assessed. This is reflected in the data below.

Anxiety

Unit of measurement: Goks (Gks)

Examples: According to the American Psychological Society, public speaking elicits the highest Gok rating, closely followed by walking along the edge of cliffs, holding a baby near heavy industrial machinery, and being spotted on CCTV exploring animals.

“Ever since I replaced milk in my porridge with Jack Daniel’s, presentations to the board of directors have been totally Gokless.”

1 Gok = the weight of accepting a dinner invitation ÷ the relief of turning it down

Anger

Unit of measurement: Twats (Twts)

Examples: “I was feeling relatively relaxed until I put on Jeremy Kyle, when my Twat rating went through the roof.”

In a control group of English males aged 18-35 and selected at random, Jedward’s inexplicable popularity elicited a level of anger that averaged 117 Twats.

Twats are measured by the number of junior executives on a golfing holiday pushing in ahead of you in the queue at the airport check-in.

Surliness

Unit of measurement: Murrays (Mys)

Examples: The surliness level of Class 3G has increased by 15 Murrays since the French kid arrived.
According to Top Trumps, the back four of Liverpool’s reserve team has a surliness rating of 263 Murrays.

1 Murray = an adolescent driving and reversing his dad’s 4×4 over a sack of kittens for one hour. In the rain.

Insincerity

Unit of measurement: Baftas (Bfts)

Examples: “Cantona expressed his love for Leeds United in a Bafta-worthy speech.”
Nobody gave a fuck about anal fistulas in rural Mexico until Angelina Jolie got her Baftas out.

1 Bafta = 1 Alexander McQueen dress + hyperventilation
(not to be confused with Golden Globes [see Berry, Halle])

Trustworthiness

Unit of measurement: Loreals (Lols)

Examples: “I have no problem with Simon going to Benicassim with my daughter. The way he dealt with that interrogation by Special Branch showed me he’s a 10-Loreal bloke.”
“In order for you to qualify for a job as a journalist at News International, we require you to have a Loreal rating of 1/500.”

1 Loreal = the number of blonde Irish women ÷ the number of naturally blonde Irish women.

Cynicism

Unit of measurement: Mandelsons (Mdls)

Examples: “We have the cash to give the orphans a lovely trip to the seaside, but the national Mandelson level is at 16, so we’d better spend it on analysing their files to identify potential security threats.”

1 Mandelson = the energy required to beat ploughshares into swords.

Melancholy

Unit of measurement: Moomins (Mmns)

Examples: “Don’t put RTE News on, Susan. My Moomin rate is already at suicide-watch levels.”

“Franz! Stop moomin around in your room and get a job.” Mrs. Kafka, 1896

1 Moomin = the lack of energy required to get out of bed in the morning.

Greed

Unit of measurement: Ohms (Hms)

Examples: The rate of greed in Ireland peaked at over 90,000 Ohms in 2006, a clearly unsustainable level for the economy.

“How many Ohms do you have, Mr. Meacher?” Mark Thomas, 2001.

1 Ohm = 1 Heart.

Impotence

Unit of measurement: Milibands (Mlbs)

Examples: The Labour Party’s current uselessness level stands at 2 Milibands.

1 Miliband = -1 Brown
1 Brown = -1 Blair
1,000 Milibands = 1 Foot

Regret

Units of measurement: Riens (apparent) and Kelvin (genuine)

Examples: In front of the government committee investigating phone hacking, Rupert Murdoch expressed 3,000 Riens of regret, but his actual level was 1 Kelvin.
1 Kelvin = an apology followed by apparent efforts to rectify the offence.
1 Rien = just the apology.

Lust

Unit of measurement: Silvios (Svos)

Examples: “I expected my knicker wetness to reach 30 Silvios when I met Johnny Depp, but all he could talk about was his sinusitis, so I only ended up with a milky 2-Silvio stain.”

It is an acknolwedged paradox that Tomb Raider the video game has a higher Silvio rating than Tomb Raider the movie, although some critics point to the greater realism of the former as an explanation.

1 Silvio = 2 Viagras + 1 defibrillator

Apathy

Unit of measurement: Berbatovs (Bbtvs).

Examples: The phrases “I simply can’t be Berbatovvered,” “It’s too much Berbatovver,” and “Am I Berbatovvered?”

1 Berbatov = 94 minutes of inactivity, incorporating two minutes of mild interest.

Spite

Unit of measurement: Tories (Shts)

Examples: “I told the kids they couldn’t go on the Xbox after they beat me because I’d worn it out, but the truth is I had the Shts.”

Scotland is a Tory-free country. Notice how happy and generous the people are.

1 Tory = A festering miasma of unprincipled malevolence.

Shame

To be measured in Sepps (Sps)

Examples: “When the vicar caught me pissing in the shower, I hit 3 Sepps on the shameometer.”
After photocopies of her arse were hung up in the canteen, Amelia’s shame level went up by 16 Sepps.

Ironically, 1 Sepp = No shame whatsoever.

Vindictiveness

Unit of measurement: Carrs

Examples: Many people think that Gary Barlow is primarily motivated by vanity, but in fact he’s entirely Carr-driven.

Research has shown that attitudes towards immigrants and asylum-seekers in high-Carr societies correlate strongly with a propensity for erectile dysfunction and self-loathing.

1 Carr = 60 minutes of thoughtless, unjustifiable cruelty directed at the vulnerable and defenceless.

Pain (Subjective experience of)

Unit of measurement: Hurts (Hs) and Megahurts (MHs)

Example: Sitting on a bicycle saddle for a five-hour cycle ride generates bum soreness of 300 hurts.

Sitting on a bicycle for a five-hour cycle ride without a saddle generates bum soreness of 3,000 megahurts.

See also: Cramps, the unit of measurement for feigned pain, as in “There’s Anelka rolling around on the floor with cramp again, the time-wasting bastard.”

Immaturity

Unit of measurement: Clarksons (Cksns) in boys and Twilights (Twghts) in girls

Examples: Any film featuring Seann William Scott automatically receives a film board rating of 18 Cksns.

Girls who find bastards attractive need to appreciate that said bastards regard them as nothing more than Twghts.

1 Clarkson = 1 Clarkson too many.
1 Twilight = Just a song.

Love

An emotion that the assessors found almost impossible to standardize. They suggest that it be measured in Meaters (m.) [France], Inches (in.) [the United Kingdom], Siemens (Smns)[Germany] and Euros (€) [Holland].

Obedience

Unit of measurement: Mickles (Mkls)

Examples. “Don’t worry about any default by the Irish government. Mick’ll do everything he can to please his European masters.”

85 billion Mickles =1 Merkel or, as they say in Brussels, “Many a mickle makes a merkel.”

Aggression

Unit of measurement: American Imperial units

The assessors felt there was no need for a separate European measure.

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