Satire

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New Proclamation to the People of Ireland

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Proclamation
The Next President
OF THE
IRISH REPUBLIC
TO THE PEOPLE OF IRELAND

IRISHLADS AND IRISHLADIES: In the name of O’Brien, Martin-Murphy, Esat Digifone, the Dublin United Tramways Company, and of the dead executioners who met with unhappy accidents on their way to midday Mass, from whom she receives her old tradition of being neither this nor that.

Having patiently perfected her zeal, having waited, resolutely as a cat bound and gagged all night in the outhouse, for the right moment to reveal herself on Facebook, she now seizes this moment, with her one good typing hand, supported by all her children who thankfully went away and quietly died in flats above chip shops at Cricklewood, and by gallant allies first in London, and now, Berlin, but relying in the first instance on her own weakness, she strikes in full confidence of her ongoing defeat.

I declare the right of others – henceforth to be referred to as the financial markets – to the ownership of Ireland, and their unfettered control over all Irish destinies –male, female, hermaphrodite, thin, fat, or medium sized – to be sovereign and indefeasible. Our long subjugation by foreign institutions and dudes named Rupert, or lately Gunter, who knew and still know what’s best for us, has extinguished us. Nor should we be ever again be spoken of, except by madmen roaring on street corners and those who will be henceforth called Shinnerbots on Twitter, our candle having been successfully quenched by our own hand. In every generation a rabble of corner boys (joined occasionally by Bernadette Devlin and her likes) have conspired in back alleys and attics secretly converted for said purpose to assert the lie of our right to national freedom and sovereignty; eight times during the last four centuries they have asserted it by force of pikes, Lewis machine guns and Kalashnikovs. Standing against such fundamental wrongs and re-asserting our most recent surrender in the face of Goldman Sachs, on legal advice received from Peter Sutherland Senior Counsel, I hereby proclaim the Irish Republic to be a state subjugated to people whose names I don’t even know, and couldn’t pronounce if I did, and pledge my life, and more importantly yours– and those of your inconsequential children – to the cause of our ongoing interest payments and GMC/Sierra Ltd, in which you should all immediately buy fucking shares.

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Dole TV: Father Feidhlim

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Great clip from Dole TV The first time as liturgy, the second as farce… Credits: Father Feidhlim/Jon Right: John Breslin Graphics and Editing: Barry Hamilton Camera and Lighting: Thom McDermott. Post Sound and Music Composition:…

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The Gathering, Mr Varadkar, The Gathering

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It is not often I feel the need to praise someone who plays a public role in Irish life but this time I do. In an age obsessed with celebrity, where being famous is seen as an achievement itself rather than doing something notable that has the side effect of fame, keeping some space celebrity free is a necessity. Remember after all that this is a country in which last Christmas the Taoiseach Enda Kenny had a two hour meeting with the rock singer Bono to discuss, and I quote, ‘affairs of state.’ Yes, affairs of state. With a singer. I wonder did Dickie Rock get a meeting too. Or maybe that Irish fella that won Big Brother.  Or Brian O’Driscoll’s wife. Or that Mullingar kid in One Direction. Though perhaps, depending on their levels of fame, their time spent with the Taoiseach discussing ‘affairs of state’ was a bit shorter. No one, after all, is more famous than Bono. So forgive me if washing up in the kitchen the other day I was only half paying attention when the actor Gabriel Bryne popped up on the radio. Not for long though.

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The Iron Lady’s Downfall

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Margaret Thatcher faces the final curtain. Some notes for those who may be unsure of some of the references. On Margaret Thatcher’s thriftiness and the similarity between gonks and Michael Hesseltine. Like this:Like Loading…

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Mass Psychosis

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Preliminary Report for the European Initiative on the Standardization of Emotional Response Measurement(EUI #32549/P) In an effort to further facilitate administrative alignment among the various members of the European Union, the Bureau of European Policy…

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A Christmas Prayer

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Baby Jesus, mild and meek Grant us all an outlook bleak Guarantee a life austere Misery throughout the year Baby Jesus, barely born Look upon a world forlorn Billions facing daily strife Promise them an…

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Mariano’s Trench

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A loose translation: Aggressive Begging for Change. This past month has been demonstrating the various ways in which the different nationalities of the world make clear their personal innate characteristics through their response to the…

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Do Not Panic. Kill All Actors!!

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“No point getting toilet paper. It will be miles away by now.” Here is Leonardo Da Capo and Kate Wimslet above from the new movie Contagion!, which is already spreading like an incurable rash across box…

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#Occupy_Quality_Street!!

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Don’t Mention the Chocolate War. I was Mention It Once, But I Think I am Get Away with It. Unless you have been living in a yurt (which is a tent containing pro-biotics), you will…

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